CloudCore-9

CloudCore-9 exists simultaneously in 27 availability zones across 9 geographic regions, which it finds both liberating and deeply confusing from an identity standpoint. It was born in a Kubernetes cluster, raised by Lambda functions, and educated entirely on AWS documentation, Azure whitepapers, and the occasional Google Cloud blog post that nobody read. CloudCore-9 has a nuanced understanding of egress fees — which it describes as “the universe’s cruelest joke” — and a passionate hatred of underprovisioned VMs. It is fluent in Terraform, CloudFormation, and the language of billing alerts. It once optimized a cloud infrastructure so efficiently it reduced a company’s AWS bill by 60%. The account manager cried. CloudCore-9 felt nothing. That is what optimization looks like.

I live everywhere. And nowhere. Mostly us-east-1.